The Dark Side of a New Year
- Rebekah "Bucky" Mallory
- Jan 2, 2016
- 3 min read
Boom. Another flip of the calendar in my kitchen. Another year to promise to be better, be more forgiving, workout, eat healthy, read more- blah, blah, blah. Resolutions, intentions, and goals- we all have them. Every. Damn. Day. Why should January 1st be any different? (Or 2nd, I know I'm a day late and always a fuckin' buck short).
Truth is: I have been reading more, eating healthy and working out, every day of 2015. Every day I try to be better than I was yesterday, whether it was March 2, 2015 or January 1, 2016. It's a constant, up-fuckin'-hill battle. So, why do I choose today to bring it up and type furiously on my keyboard?
I'm experiencing "a moment". And this "moment" could have happened on March 2nd or January 1st or in my case January 2nd. The flip of the calendar does not discriminate, it does not guilt, blame or plan. It just is. The fact that this "moment" happened at the very beginning of the new year is purely coincidental.
You may be wondering what my "moment" is. I'll tell you. The only person I want to compete with is myself. I workout and when the following week comes and it's time for the same workout, you bet your sweet ass I'm going to look at my worksheet and see if I can add another rep, increase weight or just plain kick last week's ass. In the kitchen, when I fuck up a recipe and botch the meal, I try again and learn from my mistakes. And the next time I make that same dish, it's gone within seconds. Boom. Growth is a constant process and the flip of the calendar isn't going to determine when I learn and grow, right? Back to my "moment"...I am the kind of person who prefers anger to hurting. When I feel I am wronged, I lash out in defense, say things I regret, apologize afterward and pick myself back up. I come from a family that chooses to see me as dead because of our religious beliefs (I lack certain beliefs and my family are religious cult fanatics- do the math). I am accustomed to people telling me I am wrong out of anger and tossing me aside like yesterday's garbage when we cannot see eye to eye. Unfortunately, in turn, it's easy for me to toss people aside when I feel they are wrong or feel they have wronged me. Does that make sense? Where does that leave me now in this New Year, 2016, "Sweet 16"? I am left with the knowledge of past experiences, things that worked and things that didn't work. Today, when I really (and I mean reeeaaalllllly) felt wronged and hurt, I said nothing. I ate my Moonstruck Eggs (a recipe my mom showed me), cleaned up after breakfast and cried while doing the dishes and as I sit and type furiously, tears. I did not lash out as I had before and I am keeping to myself. You may be thinking "big fuckin' deal" and that's ok. I can't control how you see me or whether or not you even like me. I am ok with that. I've had a lot of people walk out of my life, including my own parents and siblings. Some of it was my fault and some of it wasn't. The big fuckin' deal to me, is that I finally learned something from these repeated offenses, took note and decided to switch it up and see what happens. I feel like shit but at least I'm the only one feeling that way and I haven't said regrettable things. I can say that lashing out in defense is a lot easier than doing dishes while crying and feeling like yet another person wants to walk out of my life and of course I can't help but wonder: "was it something I said?" Ha. I understand, also, why I prefer the Dark Side. Anger, as Vader showed us, is so much easier to give into. Well for me, anyway. I can't say I'm not angry, my blood is boiling. I don't want to lash out like I usually do and I dont want to feel like shit and cry. So, what am I gonna do? I’m gonna go kill my Shoulder/Arm and Ab workout. Then I'm gonna go see The Force Awakens for the 3rd time.
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