Mac Attack

As Atreyu and Artax track down The Nothing in The Never Ending Story, they come upon the dreaded Swamp of Sadness. Atreyu remains confident and hopeful, trudging his way through the mud. Yet his counterpart Artax, succumbs to The Nothing’s despair and allows the swamp to pull him in leading to his death. Atreyu, hopeless and alone, wails until there’s nothing left and resolves to continue his journey…

McMinnville, oh McMinnville; you were my Swamp of Sadness. I was confident and hopeful that the notorious rainfall and overcast of Oregon had nothing on my strong Italian will to overcome any hardship or melancholy thrown my way. Just as sudden as the doom that befell Artax, there I was, stuck in the mud, sometimes literally.

It began to feel…comforting. A close friend in Seattle tried to tell me that by living in the Pacific Northwest (The PNW) the rainy and cloudy days would soon envelope me and snuggle me in their warm, soggy arms. I scoffed, “Uhhhhh, no, not a chance. I am hoping the rain and overcast is some exaggerated myth to drive people away.” Well, it wasn’t a myth and it does have the power to drive people away, because here I sit in my previous home of Austin, Texas, not even a full year later, as one of those sorry sacks driven away due to my inability to hack the puffy, dark veil that hung over the state.

Well, it’s the suicide Capitol of the United States, right? Better get the hell out! People need the sun and daily doses of vitamin D. People need more than a lush, green valley and views of well kept farms, Alpacas roaming free, friendly drivers happily stopping for coffee toting pedestrians, a never ending search for Bigfoot, more haunted stories and locations than one can handle, the best coffee and absolutely the most unbeatable wine in the country, right? Pshhhh, who needs it? Right….?

Well, I can honestly say a lot brought me back to Austin, Texas. Friendly people, framily, good food, a fun, hip city with more dog friendly bars than one can count, Bluebonnets, Indian paintbrushes, the fact that my immediate family seemed happier here and we didn’t have to move to unchartered territory and start over; things here haven’t changed much other than the population size and price. It’s been a great 2 weeks, reuniting with friends and framily.

So…this sense of loss comes from somewhere inside; a place where my inner blubbering fool lives and wants to come out. The fool has been making a regular appearance and crying at inopportune times; at work, at the vet’s office, in my car, in bed…you know. All I can say is you never really know how you will truly feel about something until you do it. I don’t expect anyone to understand or try to help me through this process. All the choices I have made in life have been my cross to bear and I will continue to carry them. All I ask for is patience. I don’t even need understanding. Just patience. If you’re hanging with me and I start to cry for no reason, even if I am laughing, just let me. Silent judgment is allowed. Silent.